#27 unwind, rewind

summer brought with it endless days followed by sleepless nights enriched by guilt free fiction, crosswords and a flower or two to put in my hair. Each day and night, which has by now blended into one leaving the days without value as life turns into one long saturday, is broken up by the amount of sleep I can catch in a blink. These blinks come in a clusters both frequent and infrequently they allow yesterday to act as June but insist that this morning is firmly rooted in September robbing me of two months and a birthday.

I find myself gazing into another school year through an increasingly beefed up filofax without a whole lot to show for it save a rather unpalatable experience of life in the basement of an accountancy firm, whose tone was set by the three separate heart attack sufferers who fell ill within six months of each other and are spread through the seven floor office building on a winding central london street where the summer sky manages to be just as grey as it’s surroundings adding a touch of claustrophobia to every day which acts as the pickle on the crap sandwich that is a summer job. The whole experience left the impression that accountancy is a heart breaking affair but not in a pain of passion sense; the portrait I saw painted of the accountancy machine was rusty with cogs that snag, tear and clang unharmoniously with chronic dissatisfaction and not the slightest slip-shadow of pride. Instead of opening the door to a career my internship slammed the door shut and bolted it down, but, even so, it’s still a step in the right direction.

As I sit on the dawn of autumn I find myself still nostalgic for salty air, strawberries and the lazy days of summertime. But my experience over the summer leaves my mind recharged for the new academic year; the accountants tale particularly responsible for unleashing a new lust for learning and an urge to want to do something worth while with my time and my life.

I’ve always thought that my one desire was to start a family and base my life around that in a way such that nothing else mattered but I think this desire is now evolving into a fantasy, not only do I want the family, I also want the career and the white-house-with-the-pickett-fence lifestyle to boot$ I want to find the starcrossed compromise between the lot! And if it’s not too much to add I’d like to accomplish it all by the time I’m 35 whilst still maintaining my weight and keeping my firm body.

I’m quickly learning it’s not easy to turn life into a perfect sonnet of fufilment and satisfaction. But at the tender age of nineteen these are things to ponder over another five years or so.

I think it’s important to point out at this junction that I’m just using this space as a place to staple down my thoughts. This is by no means a serious talk, it’s a ramble idle of mind and ample of exhaustion. I really wouldn’t take anything I say seriously until I can be trusted to return library books on time, a feat that I still have not been able to hone in all my years so far.

I guess in a round about way what I’m trying to do is reiterate the words passed to me through a tweet of one who’s most dear to me: the beauty of life is in the journey, not the destination.

And with that finally said I shall wish you a good night, or rather morning, as it were.