#22 the dogs

‘you have talked so often of going to the dogs- and well, here are the dogs, and you have reached them, and you can stand it. It takes off a lot of anxiety’ G.O.

i went away because i felt i needed to live a bit more deliberately than i had been.

although that seems reasonable the closest i got to deliberately was the very deliberate deliberating sessions, that often wouldnt even let me get out of bed until the early hours of the afternoon, and although that may just seem lazy, i should point out that my efforts to put to rout all that was not fascinating only ever occurred in my head or in my dreams, so it made very little sense to leave either of them, you see?

some may suggest that living in my head for the entirety of the summer is not only selfish but perhaps a tiny bit conceited, but it’s not like that at all, the way i see it, there’s not really any need to try and enrich the world, it would almost be greedy seeing how interesting it already is, or at least you could allow me to pretend that’s the reason rather than have me admit that i have absolutely nothing to contribute. remember, there’s no point in playing cards when you do not posses the winning hand, i’m merely a pair of twos among the face cards.

it’s getting to that point of the year where the trees lend their leaves, i like to see it as if they’re leaving messages, or even a souvenir, they’re fundamentally beautiful, the illustration of what once was rich but now is poor, i find it incredibly comforting, the weather is such that the season is letting out a soft sigh and saying ‘what’s another day?’ and i could get very used to hearing it. it’s bonechilling.

the end of the season brings a new beginning, they usually tend too, and as the clear skies slowly turn the gray the rain they brings washes away my insecurities, washes away the tears on my cheeks, i am born again and on the footsteps on a new world, far from home and all that’s familiar but an experience that promises to be educational and instrumental in understanding both how the world works and how one day i might fit into it. one can’t help be feel excited at the change, even through the sadness of leaving. as you may have been able to deduce, i am completely charmed by the idea of going away to university, but completely petrified of the notion that i may be getting older and soon will have to shoulder some responsibility in my own care and the full responsibility of the person i become because of it.

it’s almost a trap.

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