“Life is already difficult, why are you making it worse?” Is what I was thinking this afternoon when I managed to catapult a droplet of nail polish remover straight from the bottle into my eye in a display of the most phenomenal defiance of physical laws that I’ve ever encountered. Slightly melodramatic? Possibly, but an eye bath and a catastrophically fucked up set of nails later I got to pondering why it is that along these lines of mischief -that the universe hands out so readily to all us mere mortals- the easy way out never really actually an easy way out? In the spirit of defeat, here are 8 other things that should be easier to do than they are:
- Working out clothes sizes, I don’t know if this is exclusive to women’s clothing but there is something very traumatic about trying to work out what size you are in one store, and then why that size doesn’t work for the next store over. And don’t even get me started on the mystery that is “jeans sizing”.
- Getting glitter off your face, there’s a time in everyone’s life where glitter features heavily. Granted, for most people this phase of life is over by the time they are seven years old. However, for a few odd beans, myself included, there is still an occasional interaction with glitter – in it’s raw form, or in the guise of that sparkly eyeliner or shimmery highlighter. The reflects of which can always be seen days later no matter what nuclear strength cleansing balm is applied to one’s face in an attempt to rid it. (positive side effect: sometimes I feel like a pixie with her own little iridescent glow)
- Flossing, sometimes it hurts and it never gets easier but I’m scared that if I don’t do it all of my teeth will fall out.
- Peeling an orange, let’s put aside all the brute strength you need to initially get under the skin of an orange and focus of the actual peeling of it. Firstly, if I don’t peel the skin in one long strip I feel like I’ve “lost” (I mean, I still get to eat the orange, so I’m not sure what exactly I lost, but I lost). Secondly, sometimes the orange fights back in the same flight path as the droplet of nail polish remover we discussed earlier.
- Writing neatly (and quickly) in cursive, I was once told that my handwriting looks like “a monkey just found a pen”. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we?
- Getting someone to close (or leave open) the door behind them, oh you just popped into my room to ask about the thing? Or borrow some of that stuff? Cool. But, for crying out loud please leave the door however it was when you first walked into the room.
- Trying to train your cat to not do that thing that annoys you, cats are assholes.
- Replying to text messages, I’ll get to it today/tomorrow/a week later, and probably at about 3 am. If I feel like it. Sorry.